My dismay

February 20, 2009 at 6:20 am (philosophy, political)


I sit here on this Thursday evening, troubled.  I have many thoughts travelling through my mind, kind of a chaotic jumble, as I sit like a vegetable on the couch, wrapped in a blanket that isn’t mine.  I’m sitting at my son’s father’s house, where I have sat very similarly every night, for the last three weeks.  Why, because I am homeless.  I sit in clothes that i have worn for the last two weeks, and my waist long hair is in a messy loose bun, because it is the only way to protect it, as it gets further and further knotted and dreaded, because I have no comb to comb it with.  Some would classify that as too much information, but to me it is the brutal truth, the candid honesty that is all too often missing in this life, replaced with a veil of secrets and lies, and we all wonder why the misery gets worse as we get older.  Wisdom a common child has, but us rotting decayed adults have forgotten along with Joy and Trust. 

I have many things to be troubled about these days.  I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, who I am currently 4 months pregnant by, and he has no interest in helping me, he’s is only concerned about himself at this point.   I quit my job, only to lose the next one I had lined up because I became ill.  I lost my home, because I lost my job.  In the span of a month, my car, my phone and my computer all broke beyond repair.  I traded in my car that I couldn’t afford to fix for an RV, which has broken down more sinced i took over ownership of it than it has worked.  I didn’t get paid for a month.  I tried to stay at the Pagan retreat I am a member of, being initially told I could stay there for up to six weeks and then they turn around and tell me no, I can stay only a week, and I get accused of using them.  My own family save my sister will not take me in because of my son and my three cats.   So here I sit, wrapped in the blanket that isn’t mine, isolated by my own thoughts.

There is so much that has happened in the last four months, I couldn’t possibly get it all out here, or anywhere else for that matter.   But as I sit, dumbfounded, something has occured to me, and it is enough to get me out of my stupor and write something halfway meaningful for the first time in a very long time.  See I have been writing, but not because I have wanted to, and I am sure that it shows.  I look back on the entries i did in 2007 and everything since pales in comparison.  So what is my epiphany, that cuts through the murky mire that is my conciousness of late?  Fellowship.

You see I am a person that has been moved around alot, just about every friendship I have ever had I have watched die, and after a while you get to a point where you lose the ability to be a friend, or make new ones or even know what is missing from your life.  But even I can see something greviously wrong with the world around me, yes I have been treated appalingly in the last few months, but it didn’t dawn on me until I sat here today and watched one of my son’s father’s roommates move out because he’s sick of being taken advantage of.  I question that.  I know that on a few occasions, he has had to pay someone elses portion of the rent(there are four bachelors living in this house), but it really strikes me that he is abandoning his friends when they need him the most, and it triggered a chain reaction in my befuddled mind and what came out is that everyone is doing this right now.

I have seen in the last few months things, that have nothing to do with me, that truly speak to me that the world is coming unravelled.  It’s little things like watching assinine commercials for Lexus’ or the like, when most people are so poor their lucky if they even have a car.  The sheer absurdity of watching the dismal economic news on CNN, and then going to commercial and seeing ads that are so out of touch with what’s going on in this country is insane, literally.  I get so lost in my everyday life, and think that everything that happens is my fault that sometimes I completely fail to see the big picture, and that what is going on in my life isn’t just me, it’s everybody.  Fellowship is another one of those things.  I have been being rebuked by everyone around me,a nd I take it personally thinking that maybe I deserve it, but the truth of it is, no, it is a sign of the times.  As things get worse, people start to hoard and stockpile what they can, and cut off any excess burden, lest it drag them down too.  But my friends that is the worst possible approach, and it must stop if we as a nation, or as a world are going to survive.  We got in this mess because we stopped working together with our neighbors and our communities, and put our power in the hands of people that wanted it only for that end, their own aggrandisment and greed, and they left us with nothing.  And now when we stand at a very crucial moment in our history as a nation and in the history of the world, what have we learned?  To isolate ourselves even more, to hide behind our TV’s and SUV”s and computers (I realize that may sound hypocritical, but I do get out, I do try to have human contact, it’s kind of hard when everybody else is still hiding, asleep), and cut off like a gangrenous arm anyone who asks for help.  Sure it’s just fine to stick a few dollars in the salvation army kettle at christmas, and pat yourself on the back for a good deed done, but then not even a month later turn your back on the homeless, hungry, downtrodden, neighbor, friend, relative, or even worse child that crosses your path in real life.  Tell me, how does it feel, knowing you survived, when you think of those you had to turn away to do so.  Kind of a hollow victory isn’t it? 

Of course not everybody is like that, but out of all the people that I know, two were willing to help, and I know a lot of people.   What particularly stings is the treatment I recieved from the pagan retreat I mentioned earlier, my church, and a place where one is supposed to find sanctuary.  A place that prides itself on being community minded, and they cut me off, a member of their community.  The shame of it is appalling.  If we are to overcome the obstacles we face, we must change.  We must learn to work together again, and to understand that a community is only as strong as it’s weakest member, and the solution is not to cut off the weak individual, but to heal them.  To help them be able to stand on their own again.  Blame and judgement are two of the most worthless concepts in all of humanity, and in truth they bely weakness on the part of those who would blame and judge, they are the ones who are sick, not the ones who have stumbled.  For we all stumble from time to time, and he who has wisdom knows this.  I humbly pray that we learn these lessons, and those who read this heed my words, for even though I will be fine, I will survive, there are those who will not be so fortunate as I.


1 Comment

  1. thomas said,

    yes, i agree. the state of our world is getting worse by the day. alto we can’t change the world, as individuals we can try and make a dent while we forge ahead and continue to try and survive. good luck to you and your family. i hope you are able to bounce back. as far as friends go, i have very few “friends” as they only come arround when they want something. and the ones i do have i wouldn’t change for the world. perhaps its not that you aren’t a good friend, perhaps you seek the wrong kind of friend. good luck

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